JM Kearns
Writing a Self Help Book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

I want to start off by saying - you're a good writer! Engaging, funny, conversational - so there's a point of fact that intrigues me. Tell us - why did you choose to write a "self help" book instead of a fictional novel?

Well, it's a twisty tale. I had actually written a novel in the mid-1990's, and it wasn't quite ready for the world, so I put it aside. Then one evening I was standing on my deck in Nashville and the idea for Why Mr Right Can't Find You came to me - with the title! I was looking for a partner at the time and was finding that it was more difficult than it should be. I was thinking about the fact that I really believed that the right woman was out there, somewhere in the darkness, right at that moment, and if we could just find our way to each other, all would be well. And I thought, she probably is wondering why I can't find her, and I know the answer. I know how she could help me find her. And that was the book.

Without meaning to, I had been researching the book for several years, while looking for Ms. Right, and in some ways I had been researching it my whole life, because my philosopher brain makes me analyze my own relationships and those of others - plus I'd been a crisis counselor for two years in Nashville, talking to a lot of lonely people. So Why Mr Right Can't Find You pretty much wrote itself, I was so full of ideas. Of course I had to do further research once I got into it, but most of the basic ideas were there from the start.

Getting back to your fiction question: one chapter of my Why Mr. Right manuscript got published in a Canadian collection of men's writings in 2005, and that led me to an agent and a self-help book deal, and that, strangely enough, led to my novel also being bought by a different publisher. The novel, which is called ex-Cottagers in Love, I revised in 2007 and it came out in Spring 2008 in Canada. (There's more about it and all my books at www.jmkearns.com.)

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

If you don't mind my asking - how many "Ms. Wrongs" did you encounter before writing this book? Do your personal experiences play into your theories about how to find the perfect mate?

I kind of started my life over when I moved to Nashville in the late 1990's. I had pretty much recovered from the breakup of a major relationship several years earlier and felt ready to try romance again, and I made a concerted effort to meet someone. It was hard to meet someone in the "real world", for all the reasons that I talk about in the book (all of which can be corrected!). So I looked online, and I got into serious email exchanges with five or ten women, and then actually met the ones who were local, or where there was so much interest that one of us was willing to travel to meet the other. I guess there were three or four close calls, where it seemed like the ingredients were there...but in no case were we really right for each other.

These personal experiences were definitely grist for my mill. I became fascinated by the whole process where men and women try to meet someone, and the things that could make it easier for both sides. I learned a whole lot about the online process and all its pitfalls and tips, and also about what would make it easier to meet someone in the real world.

The funny thing is, when I finally did meet the right person, she was already doing some of the crucial things that I was formulating in my book - she was ahead of my curve! I'll tell more about that story when I answer question 9 below.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

You interviewed many interesting people throughout the course of your research. Do you have a favorite story? I have to say, I'm partial to the tow truck driver Frank!

I loved the story that "Frank" told me - it happened just as I tell it in the book (Chapter 7). He was the AAA driver who picked me up and towed my car home on a cold rainy night, and during the drive he ended up telling me the whole story of his marriage and how he had met his wife in a bar, even though neither of them had the habit of frequenting bars. He was there for a friend's bachelor party and his future wife was dragged there by one of her friends. Neither of them believed a bar was a place where you could meet a serious partner. What struck me as poignant about the story, beyond the guy's immense sincerity and adoration of his wife, was the way a lot of good people don't realize that the reason they're not meeting someone special is that they aren't creating situations where they can meet anyone! So many people leave it all to destiny...but you don't have to. You can be proactive.

The other favorite interview, I'll talk about under question 4.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

The chapter "The Truth About Bars" discredits the negative connotation surrounding meeting a potential love at a bar. Even if women know that many good men visit "pubs" to relax and are not looking for a one-night stand, do you think they'll likely go bar hopping for their soul mate?

Answering this question and the last one, maybe the most eye-opening interview I did while researching the book was about bars as a place to meet a partner.

I had noticed that lots of eligible guys (including myself) often went to bars alone. (I am not talking about "meat market" bars where folks cruise for one night stands. I'm talking about what I call in the book, "conversation bars" or desirable bars - nice, comfortable places like pubs and restaurant-bars.) Anyway, at those bars, we solo guys would sometimes see a woman who interested us, but it seemed she was usually with another guy, or in a group of women - and few guys want to approach a group of women. So I had formulated the idea that if a woman would go to a desirable bar alone, she would have her pick of the Mr. Rights in the place.

So I asked some of the women who worked at the counseling center (ranging in age from 25 to 45), "Would you go to a bar alone?"

The answer amazed me - it was a sort of shocked, almost scornful "No, of course not!" I asked them why not and they gave me some fascinating answers, which became the six myths that stop women from going to a bar alone in Chapter 7. I explain in that chapter why none of these myths really hold up, if you are talking about a desirable bar.

I really think there is a sort of cultural taboo that makes this idea seem outlandish to many women; but judging by the response I've had from my readers, once they really think about it, they realize a number of things that change their outlook:

• desirable bars are crawling with Mr. Rights.
• in our world, the two venues where it's easiest to meet a great guy are: online and in a bar. There are lots of other great real-world venues to meet, and I explore them in my book, but conversation bars are still number one.
• if you don't want to go alone, you can go with a friend and split up some of the time, or you can make the first move (my rule of thumb is, when two people notice each other, the one who is with others should approach the one who isn't).

Anyway, to answer your excellent question, I have heard from quite a few female readers who decided to be adventurous, and, buoyed by the optimism of believing that there was a guy out there looking for them, tried sitting in a nice bar alone. And you know what? They got into lots of cool conversations, they didn't feel threatened, unsafe, or embarrassed, they had fun... and some of them met guys that they later dated and even got serious about. The sense of uncovering a huge opportunity was very obvious in their reports.

Plus I've heard from lots of women and men like Frank the tow truck driver, who met their spouses in a bar.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

Your section about not mistaking lust or "in love with being in love" for the real thing is eye-opening. How often do you think a relationship, a marriage even, is based on the complete wrong thing?

I'm afraid it is very common for two people to get married based on a fairly superficial attraction - and then find out that they have nothing in common. After people are out of college and caught up in the working world where we spend so much time in a car, in a cubicle, or at home, it gets hard to meet many good prospects - so when we meet someone who seems good, we overreact and sell ourselves on it. In other words, if you don't have enough choice, you're likely to make a poor choice.

Unfortunately, sexual attraction is not a good guide to compatibility. It seems cruel that nature has designed us that way, but it's the fact. And it's easy to escalate sexual attraction into the feeling of "being in love."

I'm not saying a couple don't need chemistry - they certainly do - I'm saying it isn't enough. They also need many other human areas in common - it boils down to friendship. The combination of those two things, with a little magic dust sprinkled on, makes for a lasting romantic relationship.

I explore the many aspects of compatibility in Part Two of Why Mr Right Can't Find You. And in my new book, coming in January 2009, I go in depth into the whole question of what "falling in love" is, whether it should sometimes be resisted, and how we sometimes misuse it. Don't get me wrong, I am a hopeless romantic at heart; but I think that true, wonderful love is much more likely to last if we take the time to find a partner with whom we are really compatible.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

So I am a stress bug and my husband is pretty laid back. Does this mean we don't have a shot at surviving?

Being compatible doesn't necessarily mean being the same as each other, resembling each other.

In some areas, like body type and life skills, two people can thrive on being different.

In other areas it may help to be more alike: for example, values, sexual agenda, desire for children, and intellect.

Your example is an interesting one. It really falls into the area of emotional makeup. I think the most important single key to compatibility is communication: I mean, the ability to talk about the things that matter to you, the precious things you want to share and the problems that we all face. If one person is a stress bug and the other is more mellow, that can actually help both people, if they are able to understand and support - rather than condemn - the other person's way of approaching life. That means good communication, that allows each person to bring something valuable to the other.

In my book I give some examples of emotional makeup that can make things difficult. If one person needs to vent their anxieties/complaints (that is how they succeed in coping with them), and the other has a code that prohibits this, we may have a no-fit.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

I am going to be bold enough to say that the most astute, important observation you make is "the couples who are happiest in this world are basically best friends who have the hots for each other." Do you think people really believe this? Or do you think most men and women want lust before friendship?

We touched on this before... it's a great question! I think that at the beginning many of us, especially when we're younger, prize lust very highly and we look for it first and then assume that it will carry the other stuff along with it. But after you've been with someone for a while, the lust will take a hit if it turns out you don't really like each other much. After one has been burned a couple of times by relationships that fizzled, or became total nightmares, because of lack of compatibility, we tend to be much more careful to find someone with whom we not only have lust but also have rich friendship. That wisdom, of course, makes it even harder to find the special person, because we're asking for more!

So the answer is to meet more prospects. I once summarized my book's advice by saying, "Meet more men; choose more carefully." You can't choose more carefully if you don't meet more potential candidates. So that's what my book is about.

I think physical attraction is very important and wonderful, a source of untold pleasure when you find it. Because it is not that easy to find, and isn't based on having other things in common (just because you adore someone as a friend doesn't mean you want their bod), and because it can be detected fairly quickly (or at least excluded), I think there is nothing wrong with screening for it first. But don't fail to take the second step: out of the people you're attracted to, find one you're really compatible with.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

You try to flush out our feelings about body issues. As a woman, I can only begin to tell you how ingrained being "thin" is in our society. How can we truly believe that there is a man that will love us for who we are and not what we look like?

Now that is a very tricky question you've asked!

I think that sexual attraction is partly a matter of what we look like. Love, as I've said, depends also on deeper things. But it isn't even that simple. What a man sees when he looks at you isn't just "how good-looking you are"; it isn't just "looks." He also sees a whole lot of other dimensions of you, including qualities of character, warmth, values, style... women see even more, perhaps. And as I say in my book, both men and women base a lot on what they see - both genders are extremely visual.

So we need to open up the topic a bit. The key here is to realize that you should choose a man who likes how you naturally look, as well as who you are inside, and you should feel those ways about him, too. But the really liberating, best news of all is that men's tastes vary just as much as women's do. Men are not all looking for the same physical type, and different men will find different women attractive and interesting. Some men like thin women, but many men don't. That's right, many men prefer full-figured women (of all shapes), and some of these men are even brave enough to admit it, in the face of the cultural propaganda that assaults us all. Facial beauty, too, is very much in the eye of the beholder; and different styles appeal to different people.

So the bottom line is, assuming that you are okay with yourself and reasonably healthy, no matter how nature made you in body and face, there are men out there who will like you just the way you are. You don't have to conform to some media stereotype.

There is no such thing as what "all men" want, so concentrate on the men who want someone like you, and forget about the rest.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

The third part of the book is devoted to online dating/mate finding. Why do you have such an interest in this?

I guess I have partly answered this question, when I told the story of my own quest for a partner, and how hard it was to meet women in the real world, and how much easier it was online.

Since those days almost a decade ago, it has gotten even easier to meet wonderful people online, because so many millions of normal, attractive men and women are looking there.

Dating sites have altered the whole landscape of mating forever. They have vastly improved the odds of finding a great partner, because they have given you so much more choice than you had before. When you choose from a larger pool of candidates, you have a better chance of finding someone you really fit with in important ways. The cool thing is, online dating sites have become so user-friendly and have such powerful features that you can narrow down your search using whatever criteria you want (such as age range, body type, location, income, politics, children and many more), before you even start looking at photos and profiles.

Oh, and one more thing: my partner found me online, at 2 in the morning, and so I know it works. (She found me by searching profiles for two words that mattered to her, and they led her to me. We started emailing immediately, talked on the phone the next day, and met some months later when I flew to her city.) But don't take my word for it: look around and you'll find more and more happy couples who met online, and the major dating sites have impressive success stats and stories.

Like every other method of meeting, the online path needs to be approached with skill and smarts, and you need to avoid falling in love with the first person whose email or photo appeals to you. It's important to meet in person as early as possible - because you can't tell whether there is chemistry until you do - and it's important not to “write the script in advance”. That's why I spend a third of my book on a detailed guide to finding Mr. Right online - do's , don't, and everything in between.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book

What will you write next?

My next book is already written, and we're putting the finishing touches on it right now. It's called Better Love Next Time: how the relationship that didn't last can lead you to the one that will. It'll be out in January 2009, in North America and the UK.

I wrote it because I wanted to deal with the fact that many of us are walking around, damaged by a past love that went wrong, and feeling unready or unable to find a love that will go right. Better Love Next Time talks about how to cope with the immediate pain and heartache of a bad breakup, but it goes on to deal with the different kinds of damage that broken relationships do to one's romantic soul, and how to understand and heal them. (Some topics are: the wounded ego, and how to tame it; the effects of cheating; and how to replace the assets that are lost in a big breakup.) The book then goes back one step and tackles the interesting question of what went wrong in the failed relationship itself; because as the adage says, if you don't understand history, it tends to repeat itself. I offer a simple way to diagnose what made your past relationship fail, and I explain how to decode your own personal guide to the man who would be right for you, that is written in your history. Failed relationships also have the ability to make us feel inadequate (when we aren't) and teach us false "lessons" that can impair our future ability to love, so I show how to expose and overcome these. Finally I offer advice on how to make a good match last, once you find it.

The purpose of the book, by facing and understanding what happened in the past, is to be able to heal its injuries and learn its lessons, so that the reader can approach their next relationship, when they're ready, whole and renewed and able to make it the one that will last.

JM Kearns talks about writing a self help book